Doin' Our Time

I've seen people take newborn infants to the beach, to the movies, to amusement parks and restaurants. We're talking practically fresh outta the oven babyloaf, still all wrinkly and smonchy being carted to Wally World. Why? I don't know. Don't tell me mama wouldn't rather be anywhere else but there. I guess some people are ok with taking the little pooper everywhere from Day 1.

I'm not one of those people.

When the bug was born, we didn't go anywhere for three weeks and then it was to the dreaded New Moms Group Where No One Liked Me. I got bolder, taking her Target and Whole Foods, but scurrying out as fast as possible if I even thought I heard someone sneeze. When the bug was about 5 1/2 weeks old, I took her to Sam's Club. I was so proud of myself! I drove home thinking, "I took my baby out when she was just 5 1/2 weeks old. 5 1/2 weeks! She hasn't even had her shots yet.....Ohmygaaaaaaahhhhhh....." and I nearly drove off the road. I was quite sure I'd contaminated her with some of the worst germs on earth or at least the ones that reside in Sam's Club.. I spent the next hour holding the bug and a phone, ready to dial 911 if she so much as sneezed.

If germs weren't the enemy, a screaming baby was. I didn't want to be one of those parents who totes a wailing infant everywhere, drawing death stares from everyone. I tried everything to limit our outings to only absolutely necessary excursions, and then carefully timed them around naps and feedings.

Grinch and I referred to those first few months of captivity as BabyJail. "We're having a party. Can you come?" Can't. BabyJail. "What are you doing for the holidays?" BabyJail. "Weekend?" Babyjail.

As the bug started eating solid foods and her naps became more regular, we got a peek at life on the outside. Furlough. Then she was 100% weaned and as nap-regular as your ancient Uncle George and we were out all the time! YAY! Festivals! Parades! Shopping! Trips! Yahooooo! We still never went out without her because she refused to look another human in the eye, much less be held by them, but ohmygod it was so nice. Sooooooo nice.

Now we're back in BabyJail. Boring, ugly, toys on the floor, nothing decent to eat in the fridge, gonna tear my hair out if I have to play another game of Cariboo BabyJail. Warden Dos is pretty cute and she allows us conjugal visits, so we can't complain. The bug shouldn't be held captive, so we let her out for brief visits to the grocery store, Target, library and bouncy tent place. Humanitarian visits come from Aunts and friends bearing contraband like candy, markers and stickers.

We expect a parole board hearing within a couple of months when Dos gets really handy with the solid foods. We may be in for a reprieve around the holidays so we won't have to toast the new year with a bag of pruno. I'm bucking for time off for good behavior by doing lots of laundry and sucking up to the warden. I just hope I don't get shanked out in the yard.