Wednesday, November 19, 2008


I'm the last child my parents had. The "baby" as people like to say. I'm the seventh child.

My next-oldest sister enjoyed "baby of the family" status for five glorious years until I showed up. She likes to tell people that "We were The Brady Bunch until Heather came along and screwed everything up." Obviously, she's still not over losing her title. We hated each other growing up and now we're best friends. I still want to belt her when she makes the Brady Bunch comment, though.

So I came along and six became seven. Lucky number seven? Meh. Probably not. I think seven kids pretty much torched the last of my mom's sanity. In family pictures, she looks like she held it together right up until kid number five, then you see the screws coming loose. By the time I arrived, she was OVER. IT. Every picture of her after my birth, she's practically climbing out of the frame. I just have two kids and I can't say that I blame her.

Instead of The Brady Bunch, we became the Seven Dwarves. At least, that's what everyone hooted when they heard "seven kids." "Harharharhar! Seven kids! You're the seven dwarves! HARHARHAR!" Yeah. That never gets old. And it wasn't enough just to point out the Snow White connection. Idiots who point that kind of crap out always have to ask, "SO! Which dwarf are you?!"

May I use this opportunity to educate you? Thanks.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves is a very old story. It goes back to the middle 1800's at least. In some versions, the dwarves are knights. Mostly, they're just short dudes who let Snow White crash with them in exchange for cooking and cleaning. The dwarves weren't named until that Disney came along. Suddenly, every dwarf needed a name. Every dwarf needed a label. Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy and Sneezy. Well, fine.

So when people asked us which dwarf we were, my brothers were all too happy to start throwing labels around. Guess who got to be Dopey each and every time? Harumph.


Mojo said...

Hmm... just from reading this I woulda guessed you were Grumpy. But maybe that's just me.

But see I always figured Sneezy had a thing going with Snow. I mean think about it. "Sneezy"... "Snow"? See the connection? Do I need to draw ya a picture?

But seriously? Why would breaking the Brady Bunch mold be considered "screwing things up"? I mean c'mon, who actually lives like that? Maybe in Stepford, but out here in the real world? Fuhgetaboutit... I mean just how dysfunctional do ya wanna be? With "Marcia,Marcia Marcia" doing her thing and not one, but two moody middle children and studly big brother Greg who can't get a chick to save his life (uh huh...).

Yeah, I'd bite the poison apple myself in those circumstances. Sheesh!

Illegal Tree said...

Well obviously you're Grumpy today.

Heather said...

Mojo, I never thought about the Sneezy/Snow connection. Disney was a pusher!

Illegal Tree, you've seen me grumpier.