When Grinch and I decided to do this goofy tag team parenting schedule, we were surprised by the number of people who told us it couldn't be done. People who had never worked an overnight schedule. People who weren't dependent on two incomes. People who didn't even have children. They all told us we were looking at certain failure. A co-worker said we'd be lucky to last six months. Others gave us less than a week.
Nearly four years later, we're more than glad to tell them they were wrong, wrong, wrong.
It CAN be done. It's not always fun and it's not always pretty. Get a look at me after a painfully short nap and you'll understand just how un-pretty it can be. But it CAN be done.
Here's what you need to make it work:
-Team work. You both have to commit to this plan and be in it for the right reasons. If one of you isn't sure why you're doing this or isn't enthusiastic about the tag team concept, you're not going to weather the ups and downs very well. And there will be a LOT of ups and downs: the normal ones associated with having a child and the new ones that are unique to the tag team.
-The Right Partner. You have to be able to trust each other implicitly. Grinch and I had been together nearly 20 years before we took on the tag team schedule. We knew each others strengths and weaknesses. We also knew we could depend on each other to do the right thing, be the adult, be dependable and put our child first. If you're with a man-child, princess, stoner or general knucklehead, this is not going to work out for you. You might also want to reconsider having a child with this person, but that's a whole 'nother subject.
-Supportive employers. They may surprised by your choice and doubt your ability to make it work, but if your employer is willing to work with you on your schedule, that's a big part of making the whole machine click. Give them plenty of advance notice that you want to do this. Don't spring this on them as you're walking out the door for maternity leave.
-Experience. If your tag-team schedule requires one of the partners to work odd hours and you've never worked odd hours before, it's going to be 500 times harder than you ever imagined. I've worked late night and overnight schedules on and off for nearly 20 years. I've managed it well, but I've seen other people who just can't do it. You don't want to find out that you're not suited to the overnight shift when you've structured your family's life around it.
-Help. Grinch and I were committed to doing the tag team 100% on our own, no help whatsoever. It worked great for us at first, but it was pretty exhausting. I recommend having some kind of help at least one day a week, just to ease your load a little. That help can be a sitter, a meal delivery service, yard service, or a friend or relative who comes over just to hold or play with the baby while you do laundry or chop vegetables. After Dos came along, our tag team hours changed and we had to hire a sitter three days a week. It's drastically increased the amount of time we're able to spend together as a family and gives us a little more wiggle room in the schedule. It was hard for me to accept help at first, but it really has improved things for us.
-Dedication. If you're going to do this - do it. Don't try it for a week and give up. Plan on doing it for six months at least. After six months, sit down with your partner and talk about how the tag team is working for you. Make some adjustments if you need to and try it for another three months. If it's still not working, think about what else you can do to fix things and come up with a Plan B. Try three more months. After baby's first birthday, take a good look at how things are going. If it's working, then have another slice of cake and toast your tag team. If it's not working, have another slice of cake, toast your hard work and dedication and move on to Plan B.
When someone hears about our schedule, they usually say, "Wow, how do you do it?" "It's hard," I say, "but it's worth it." And that's the truth. It is VERY hard. News flash: life is hard. But you keep going and you keep learning and doing the best you can for yourself and the people you love. Things get easier and new challenges come along. If you do it right, you have some great teammates beside you, cheering for you every step of the way.
Showing posts with label Tag team parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tag team parents. Show all posts
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Back to Reality
If you've noticed the sudden increase in the number and frequency of postings here, that's because I took the last week off of work. It's amazing what a little extra sleep can do for one's mood and creativity.
Being a stay-at-home Mom, even for a week is damn hard. I don't necessarily envy anyone who gets to do this full-time. That doesn't mean I wouldn't want to actually do it myself. I think I'd need some outlets, though. The blog for creativity and a place to vent, a group of friends to go out with occasionally and play trivia or see a movie, have snacks and talk, whatever and maybe a class or something to give me deadlines and challenges that I'd have to meet on a regular basis.
For all the heavy sighing, temple rubbing, teeth clenching and "deargodgivemestrength" muttering I did this week, I'm going to miss being able to do all of that well-rested. Sleep and rest make a tough job like parenting a little bit easier. I think wine and chocolate probably help, too.
It's funny: I'll still be here all day with the girls, pretty much like I was over the past week. The difference will be that I won't be here in the mornings with Grinch or on the weekends. It's a big difference somehow. I miss my husband. I miss my best friend.
I get some more time off during Christmas week and I'm really looking forward to it. The knowledge that good times and a little extra sleep are coming my way will help make tomorrow's 1:30am wakeup call a little bit easier.
And you? Thanks for continuing to read this blog. It's not much. It's just my little corner of the internet to prattle on a bit. But I'm glad you stop by. Leave a comment and say "hi", won't you?
Being a stay-at-home Mom, even for a week is damn hard. I don't necessarily envy anyone who gets to do this full-time. That doesn't mean I wouldn't want to actually do it myself. I think I'd need some outlets, though. The blog for creativity and a place to vent, a group of friends to go out with occasionally and play trivia or see a movie, have snacks and talk, whatever and maybe a class or something to give me deadlines and challenges that I'd have to meet on a regular basis.
For all the heavy sighing, temple rubbing, teeth clenching and "deargodgivemestrength" muttering I did this week, I'm going to miss being able to do all of that well-rested. Sleep and rest make a tough job like parenting a little bit easier. I think wine and chocolate probably help, too.
It's funny: I'll still be here all day with the girls, pretty much like I was over the past week. The difference will be that I won't be here in the mornings with Grinch or on the weekends. It's a big difference somehow. I miss my husband. I miss my best friend.
I get some more time off during Christmas week and I'm really looking forward to it. The knowledge that good times and a little extra sleep are coming my way will help make tomorrow's 1:30am wakeup call a little bit easier.
And you? Thanks for continuing to read this blog. It's not much. It's just my little corner of the internet to prattle on a bit. But I'm glad you stop by. Leave a comment and say "hi", won't you?
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Time Out from Time Out
When we started the Tag Team, things sucked. Flat. Out. SUCKED. It took us a while to find our groove and when we did, we were a well-oiled machine. There were blips and bumps here and there but, to everyone's surprise, it worked. The best times were Fridays, knowing that we'd made it through another week and that we had the weekend to finally be together to have some family fun. Also, Grinch and I could enjoy some time together. Friday night, we'd order Chinese food and watch TV or just sit and talk. Saturday night we'd watch a movie or snuggle on the couch. Whatever. It was our time together.
Now that I'm working weekends, our time together? Zip. Nada. Zilch. Nichts. Niente. Aaaaaaand we're back to the suckage.
No time together also means that there's very little time for one person to get two hands free to do much of anything. Laundry gets done, but rarely is folded or put away. Meals are some sort of take out, leftovers or something that I can throw together as quick as possible without Dos screaming her head off or diving into the cat's water bowl. If you drop in on us, please don't ask to use the bathroom because it's frightening. The suckage, it is mighty.
We hired a lawn service to mow and blow because there's no time for us to do it. We *could* hire a maid service, but we'd have to clean up before they could come and, hello? did I mention we have no time to clean? Besides, how many outside services do we hire before we're using all of our 2nd income to pay for someone to do the stuff we can't do because we're earning that 2nd income?
Bitch, moan, whine, complain. I didn't want this to be that sort of blog.
We're looking for a sitter to come in a couple of days a week to even the schedule out a little bit. The really good sitters are already taken or want a full-time gig, which we can't offer. A family member may be in a position soon to help us out so we're optimistic about that.
My latest tip for families considering the Tag Team option: Make sure you have *some* time together, preferably weekends. You have to reconnect as a family and especially as a couple. Hire outside help where you can. The Tag Team is hard, make no mistake about it. Everything that's worth doing is hard, right? Right? Bueller?
Now that I'm working weekends, our time together? Zip. Nada. Zilch. Nichts. Niente. Aaaaaaand we're back to the suckage.
No time together also means that there's very little time for one person to get two hands free to do much of anything. Laundry gets done, but rarely is folded or put away. Meals are some sort of take out, leftovers or something that I can throw together as quick as possible without Dos screaming her head off or diving into the cat's water bowl. If you drop in on us, please don't ask to use the bathroom because it's frightening. The suckage, it is mighty.
We hired a lawn service to mow and blow because there's no time for us to do it. We *could* hire a maid service, but we'd have to clean up before they could come and, hello? did I mention we have no time to clean? Besides, how many outside services do we hire before we're using all of our 2nd income to pay for someone to do the stuff we can't do because we're earning that 2nd income?
Bitch, moan, whine, complain. I didn't want this to be that sort of blog.
We're looking for a sitter to come in a couple of days a week to even the schedule out a little bit. The really good sitters are already taken or want a full-time gig, which we can't offer. A family member may be in a position soon to help us out so we're optimistic about that.
My latest tip for families considering the Tag Team option: Make sure you have *some* time together, preferably weekends. You have to reconnect as a family and especially as a couple. Hire outside help where you can. The Tag Team is hard, make no mistake about it. Everything that's worth doing is hard, right? Right? Bueller?
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Sure Could Use Some Fixin'
A little over a year ago, Grinch and I were just getting around to enjoying life again after being in BabyJail for two years. We were able to go on a family vacation to the beach, eat food, have cocktails and beer and we had a fun little kid tagging along for the ride. Then we decided, this is too much fun, we need to have another kid! Let's make ourselves miserable all over again! For, whaddayasay hon, two years? YAY!
Miserable may be too strong a word. I mean, Dos is cute and healthy. And cute. And she cries if you set her down for .0003 milliseconds. And after six months, she's still waking up every two hours or less to nurse. And she cries in the car. Not just cries, screams bloody freaking murder. And Grinch won't sleep with me because of all the crying. Where were we? Right. Miserable.
Seriously. I can't remember being this unhappy with a situation in a long time. And the suckiest part is? I think I brought it all on myself and I don't know how to fix it.
When we brought Dos home, I didn't want to upset the happy situation we had going. I wanted everyone to get as much sleep as possible (including me) and continue on with our regularly scheduled programming. So to keep Dos from crying too much, I took her to bed with me and pretty much nursed all night. Naptime, same deal. So guess who can't sleep without nursing now? Guess who can't stand the idea of letting her "cry it out"? Guess who also has no patience, stamina or mental capacity for letting her "cry it out" or rocking her screaming babyness to sleep. It feels like there's no end in sight. I'm going to have to go to college with her and wait in her dorm room every night to nurse her to sleep. I'm going to be nursing her on her honeymoon. I'm going to be nursing HER babies.
Really, the worst part is: when I go to work in the middle of the night, Grinch is left to deal with the situation. There's no telling if the baby will wake up, if she'll take a bottle and go back to sleep or if she's up to party-hearty, bring on the teething rings and busy boxes, dude! Grinch and I are ready to kill ourselves or each other, whichever is easiest. Poor Bug is doing so great despite all this. She's so sweet and so much fun lately. But she's stuck all day with cranky Mommy who doesn't want to go anywhere because Dos might fall asleep or start screaming and that would suck for everyone.
I feel so lucky that Dos is here, healthy and apparently normal on all counts. How did I screw this up so badly, though? What can I do to make it up to her? How can I fix this and make it up to my family?
Miserable may be too strong a word. I mean, Dos is cute and healthy. And cute. And she cries if you set her down for .0003 milliseconds. And after six months, she's still waking up every two hours or less to nurse. And she cries in the car. Not just cries, screams bloody freaking murder. And Grinch won't sleep with me because of all the crying. Where were we? Right. Miserable.
Seriously. I can't remember being this unhappy with a situation in a long time. And the suckiest part is? I think I brought it all on myself and I don't know how to fix it.
When we brought Dos home, I didn't want to upset the happy situation we had going. I wanted everyone to get as much sleep as possible (including me) and continue on with our regularly scheduled programming. So to keep Dos from crying too much, I took her to bed with me and pretty much nursed all night. Naptime, same deal. So guess who can't sleep without nursing now? Guess who can't stand the idea of letting her "cry it out"? Guess who also has no patience, stamina or mental capacity for letting her "cry it out" or rocking her screaming babyness to sleep. It feels like there's no end in sight. I'm going to have to go to college with her and wait in her dorm room every night to nurse her to sleep. I'm going to be nursing her on her honeymoon. I'm going to be nursing HER babies.
Really, the worst part is: when I go to work in the middle of the night, Grinch is left to deal with the situation. There's no telling if the baby will wake up, if she'll take a bottle and go back to sleep or if she's up to party-hearty, bring on the teething rings and busy boxes, dude! Grinch and I are ready to kill ourselves or each other, whichever is easiest. Poor Bug is doing so great despite all this. She's so sweet and so much fun lately. But she's stuck all day with cranky Mommy who doesn't want to go anywhere because Dos might fall asleep or start screaming and that would suck for everyone.
I feel so lucky that Dos is here, healthy and apparently normal on all counts. How did I screw this up so badly, though? What can I do to make it up to her? How can I fix this and make it up to my family?
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Checking In
Oh, hi! Remember me? Yes, the wayward blogger. Big on promises to share stories from my life, not so big on delivery. I'm new at this and I do have two full time jobs in real life. We're cool, right? Good.
One reason I've been blogquiet lately is that things have been very busy at home and work. I've also been feeling pretty gross and NO one wants to hear about that. Trust me. You do? Really? Can we just leave it at "scheduled colonoscopy"? Thanks.
It's also occurred to me that one reason for starting this blog was that I wanted to share details of our adventures/experiences as tag team parents and I haven't really done that. I hesitate to write about it now because I don't have a lot of good things to say. I don't want to scare anyone away from tag team parenting, but I guess I should be honest about it so that if you're thinking about doing it then you can go in with good information. Bottom line: tag team parenting sucks. Hard.
After the bug was born, we jumped into the ring feet first, fists pumping, determined to show all the nay sayers that it COULD be done and that we weren't crazy to take it on. We did that. The first few months were awful but after a while we hit our stride and everything worked nearly seamlessly. There were misunderstandings and miscommunications, I was tired all the time and seemed to catch every cold that went around but generally we did ok.
Then the schedule changed and everything went to hell.
If you're thinking about tag team parenting, let me urge you this: make sure you and your spouse have at least one day off together. It makes a huge difference. When I started working weekends (Not by choice. No fucking way.) it put an end to any adult time for the Grinch and I. No conversations, no movies, no cuddling. Is it any surprise that I got pregnant BEFORE the schedule change?
Working weekends also put an end to any "me" time. No workouts, no pedicures, no gardening, nada. I'm either at work, parenting or asleep. It's exhausting. Never mind the stupid hours.
When I went back to work after maternity leave for Bug, I cried on the way to work every day for a week because I was leaving this beautiful little baby who I loved so much and how could I leave herohmygoodness. This time around, I started crying two weeks before my return to work and pretty much haven't stopped crying since. Not only because of the beautiful baby factor, but "good lord I hate working overnights and never seeing my husband and it's been so nice seeing him and being a real family and I wish I could stay at home waaaaaahhhhhh. sniff."
I find myself aching to see Grinch, to get the chance to fall asleep in his lap again or nuzzle his neck. I want to spend quiet time reading to the Bug or putting her to bed instead of rushing off to bed myself. I want to feel rested more than one day a week. I want to feel like I have my act together instead of feeling like I'm a frazzled, barely washed, bumbling idiot. Harupmh. Want, want, want.
There are good reasons we do the tag team parenting thing. But I wonder if there are better reasons NOT to.
One reason I've been blogquiet lately is that things have been very busy at home and work. I've also been feeling pretty gross and NO one wants to hear about that. Trust me. You do? Really? Can we just leave it at "scheduled colonoscopy"? Thanks.
It's also occurred to me that one reason for starting this blog was that I wanted to share details of our adventures/experiences as tag team parents and I haven't really done that. I hesitate to write about it now because I don't have a lot of good things to say. I don't want to scare anyone away from tag team parenting, but I guess I should be honest about it so that if you're thinking about doing it then you can go in with good information. Bottom line: tag team parenting sucks. Hard.
After the bug was born, we jumped into the ring feet first, fists pumping, determined to show all the nay sayers that it COULD be done and that we weren't crazy to take it on. We did that. The first few months were awful but after a while we hit our stride and everything worked nearly seamlessly. There were misunderstandings and miscommunications, I was tired all the time and seemed to catch every cold that went around but generally we did ok.
Then the schedule changed and everything went to hell.
If you're thinking about tag team parenting, let me urge you this: make sure you and your spouse have at least one day off together. It makes a huge difference. When I started working weekends (Not by choice. No fucking way.) it put an end to any adult time for the Grinch and I. No conversations, no movies, no
Working weekends also put an end to any "me" time. No workouts, no pedicures, no gardening, nada. I'm either at work, parenting or asleep. It's exhausting. Never mind the stupid hours.
When I went back to work after maternity leave for Bug, I cried on the way to work every day for a week because I was leaving this beautiful little baby who I loved so much and how could I leave herohmygoodness. This time around, I started crying two weeks before my return to work and pretty much haven't stopped crying since. Not only because of the beautiful baby factor, but "good lord I hate working overnights and never seeing my husband and it's been so nice seeing him and being a real family and I wish I could stay at home waaaaaahhhhhh. sniff."
I find myself aching to see Grinch, to get the chance to fall asleep in his lap again or nuzzle his neck. I want to spend quiet time reading to the Bug or putting her to bed instead of rushing off to bed myself. I want to feel rested more than one day a week. I want to feel like I have my act together instead of feeling like I'm a frazzled, barely washed, bumbling idiot. Harupmh. Want, want, want.
There are good reasons we do the tag team parenting thing. But I wonder if there are better reasons NOT to.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
So far, So not so good
So what kind of blogger am I to tell you I'm about to embark upon a major life change, then disappear for a couple of weeks, no updates, no nothing? A sucky one. I know. Dude, I'm new at this ok? Slack, please. Looooooootsa slack.
Going back to the tag team schedule has been hard on everyone. Hard on Grinch because Dos isn't sleeping through the night and he has to figure out how to get her back to sleep without the benefit of lactating boobs.
Hard on the Bug because she'd love to go see her friends, but there's no time in the schedule to get her to play dates and because I have about 10 micrograms of patience left by the time I get home and those get sucked dry the first time she says no to the simplest request.
Hard on Dos because she's not a big fan of the bottle but, until Grinch lactates, the bottle is as good as its gonna get.
Hard on me because I get no sleep, the whole time I'm at work I worry about what's going on at home and when I come home all I want to do is sleep but there are diapers to change, lunches to fix, groceries to buy, dinners to fix, kitchens to clean and laundry to do. (Did you notice there is no time in there to blog? See. I'm doin' stuff.)
Also, the no sleep thing? It makes me kinda crabby. Which is to say that it actually makes me very crabby but this is my blog and I'm not gonna just lay it out there that I'm an insufferable bitch. Which I kinda just did.
Grinch has tried to put it in the nicest terms what sleep deprivation does to me. "I don't like the effect it has on you." he says. (Translation: "You're an insufferable bitch. More so than usual.") He also says it's not worth it to him, the toll it takes on me, on him, on the family.
Sitting here with a splitting headache, dark circles under my eyes, unwashed hair and unpumped boobs, I'm starting to agree. I just have a hard time admitting it to myself. I have a hard time letting go. I'm having a hard time giving up.
Going back to the tag team schedule has been hard on everyone. Hard on Grinch because Dos isn't sleeping through the night and he has to figure out how to get her back to sleep without the benefit of lactating boobs.
Hard on the Bug because she'd love to go see her friends, but there's no time in the schedule to get her to play dates and because I have about 10 micrograms of patience left by the time I get home and those get sucked dry the first time she says no to the simplest request.
Hard on Dos because she's not a big fan of the bottle but, until Grinch lactates, the bottle is as good as its gonna get.
Hard on me because I get no sleep, the whole time I'm at work I worry about what's going on at home and when I come home all I want to do is sleep but there are diapers to change, lunches to fix, groceries to buy, dinners to fix, kitchens to clean and laundry to do. (Did you notice there is no time in there to blog? See. I'm doin' stuff.)
Also, the no sleep thing? It makes me kinda crabby. Which is to say that it actually makes me very crabby but this is my blog and I'm not gonna just lay it out there that I'm an insufferable bitch. Which I kinda just did.
Grinch has tried to put it in the nicest terms what sleep deprivation does to me. "I don't like the effect it has on you." he says. (Translation: "You're an insufferable bitch. More so than usual.") He also says it's not worth it to him, the toll it takes on me, on him, on the family.
Sitting here with a splitting headache, dark circles under my eyes, unwashed hair and unpumped boobs, I'm starting to agree. I just have a hard time admitting it to myself. I have a hard time letting go. I'm having a hard time giving up.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho...
...it's off to work I go tomorrow morning, bright and early. I've been crying and muttering under my breath for a week now. Ok, two, but who's counting?
I love what I do, I love my co-workers and I'm proud of the company that employs me. I just wish things were different for us. I wish I didn't HAVE to go back to work. I wish we could have everything we need AND want on one income. Hell, I wish we could do it without working at all. But like they say on the farm: "Shit in one hand, wish in the other. See which one fills up first." Yeah. See which one they accept as tuition payment at your kid's private school, too.
So, if you see a 39-year-old woman, drivin' and cryin' downtown VERY early tomorrow morning, be nice. That's me.
***Edited to add: this is how much I'm dreading going back to work. I actually go back to work Wednesday. Yet another full day to moan, gripe and weep. Yay!
I love what I do, I love my co-workers and I'm proud of the company that employs me. I just wish things were different for us. I wish I didn't HAVE to go back to work. I wish we could have everything we need AND want on one income. Hell, I wish we could do it without working at all. But like they say on the farm: "Shit in one hand, wish in the other. See which one fills up first." Yeah. See which one they accept as tuition payment at your kid's private school, too.
So, if you see a 39-year-old woman, drivin' and cryin' downtown VERY early tomorrow morning, be nice. That's me.
***Edited to add: this is how much I'm dreading going back to work. I actually go back to work Wednesday. Yet another full day to moan, gripe and weep. Yay!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Well, hell.
This happens to me a lot: I panic at the thought of something, or get mad, irritated, upset, irate, etc...then change my way of thinking, get excited or happy about it and then find out it's not going to happen after all.
I spent a lot of sleepless nights, staring at the ceiling or the baby, thinking, "Good, god. Could I really be a stay at home mom? Me? What about my career?" I talked to friends and family. I googled. I prayed. I worried, worried, worried and LORD did I cry. Then one day, the sun shone and I thought, "Yeah. I could do this. I'd actually LIKE to do this. This is what I want to do. I'll DO IT!" And I walked around with the glow of someone who has made a life-changing decision.
For about a week.
Then, Grinch ran the numbers. He ran them about a dozen different ways and they all come up the same: we can't afford it. We can't afford for me to stay at home, raise two of the most delightful little girls on the planet AND put them into the schools of our choice. We're going to be a tag team again. A sleepless, never-see-each-other, do-most-of-our-communicating-via-email tag team.
Cue the tears. Again. And throw in a pint or two of bitterness and frustration.
I don't get it, really. We're not stupid. We have good jobs. We earn good money. So how do so many people around us do it? How do they do it on one income, send the kids to private schools, drive super nice cars to elegant homes where they watch gigantic flat screen TVs and play Wii? HOW? We have none of those things by choice (TV free family. Hi, there.) and by force (I'd like the elegant home, thank you.)
I'm trying not to be angry. Anger doesn't help anything. I'm sad and scared. We've always said that if the tag team schedule doesn't work, if it threatens our marriage, then we do something else. Hire a sitter, go part time, whatever. It just...sucks. But I guess we're back to where we started: hating the idea before I ever even get a chance to try it on. Time to get excited and put my head back in the right place. Work is waiting for me. My family needs me, too.
Growing up sucks.
I spent a lot of sleepless nights, staring at the ceiling or the baby, thinking, "Good, god. Could I really be a stay at home mom? Me? What about my career?" I talked to friends and family. I googled. I prayed. I worried, worried, worried and LORD did I cry. Then one day, the sun shone and I thought, "Yeah. I could do this. I'd actually LIKE to do this. This is what I want to do. I'll DO IT!" And I walked around with the glow of someone who has made a life-changing decision.
For about a week.
Then, Grinch ran the numbers. He ran them about a dozen different ways and they all come up the same: we can't afford it. We can't afford for me to stay at home, raise two of the most delightful little girls on the planet AND put them into the schools of our choice. We're going to be a tag team again. A sleepless, never-see-each-other, do-most-of-our-communicating-via-email tag team.
Cue the tears. Again. And throw in a pint or two of bitterness and frustration.
I don't get it, really. We're not stupid. We have good jobs. We earn good money. So how do so many people around us do it? How do they do it on one income, send the kids to private schools, drive super nice cars to elegant homes where they watch gigantic flat screen TVs and play Wii? HOW? We have none of those things by choice (TV free family. Hi, there.) and by force (I'd like the elegant home, thank you.)
I'm trying not to be angry. Anger doesn't help anything. I'm sad and scared. We've always said that if the tag team schedule doesn't work, if it threatens our marriage, then we do something else. Hire a sitter, go part time, whatever. It just...sucks. But I guess we're back to where we started: hating the idea before I ever even get a chance to try it on. Time to get excited and put my head back in the right place. Work is waiting for me. My family needs me, too.
Growing up sucks.
Friday, February 15, 2008
The Million Dollar Question....or something like that
My understanding of my company's maternity leave rules was a little off. Off by two weeks, apparently. I got the news this morning in a terse and somewhat confusing e-mail. It made me panic. "What? When? How am I supposed to...? I don't want to...." And lots of other unfinished statements like that. A lot of four letter words, too. In several languages. Yeah, I'm a little keyed up these days.
I have to call HR to sort it all out, but it looks like they win and I lose two weeks. I've been sitting here for hours (ok, shuffling around in my pajamas, nursing Dos, playing with the Bug and serving up lunch. still. figuratively "sitting.") trying to figure out: do I really want to go back?
After the tears cleared from my eyes, I spun around in my chair to see the Bug reading a book to her stuffed animals. All sweetness, rainbows and love, love, love. "Isn't this worth it?" I asked myself, falling in love with my daughter all over again. "Isn't this better than working overnights and being tired all the time and all the frustration that goes along with work?"
About 45 minutes later, I was ready to put my head in the oven over Dos' non-stop grunting combined with the Bug's repeated insistance that her baby sister does NOT have thumbs and was NOT trying to suck them, wwaaaaaahhhh! "Yes," I thought. "I definitely DO want to go back to work. Tomorrow."
I've been a little crazy since Dos was born. Ok, a LOT crazy. Some dark and scary thoughts have been creeping in here and there. But one thought that is not so dark, and is sometimes comforting is: "I could do this for a couple of years. I could be a stay-at-home-mom and be completely comfortable with it. I'd make dinner and cookies and sew and take my girls places and it would be a lot of work but....I could do it."
Then someone refuses to eat an apple or spits up on my new jeans and I want cry all over again because being a grown up is hard and being a Mommy is even harder and why didn't I marry for money instead of love? Boo hoo hooo.
Could you do it? No matter what you do. If you work, could you stay at home for a couple of years to take care of your kids if your budget allowed? If you stay at home, could you go to work on a crappy schedule at a job you're not sure you love anymore to help your family afford private school and some much needed extras?
I don't get many comments, but I sure could use some now.
I have to call HR to sort it all out, but it looks like they win and I lose two weeks. I've been sitting here for hours (ok, shuffling around in my pajamas, nursing Dos, playing with the Bug and serving up lunch. still. figuratively "sitting.") trying to figure out: do I really want to go back?
After the tears cleared from my eyes, I spun around in my chair to see the Bug reading a book to her stuffed animals. All sweetness, rainbows and love, love, love. "Isn't this worth it?" I asked myself, falling in love with my daughter all over again. "Isn't this better than working overnights and being tired all the time and all the frustration that goes along with work?"
About 45 minutes later, I was ready to put my head in the oven over Dos' non-stop grunting combined with the Bug's repeated insistance that her baby sister does NOT have thumbs and was NOT trying to suck them, wwaaaaaahhhh! "Yes," I thought. "I definitely DO want to go back to work. Tomorrow."
I've been a little crazy since Dos was born. Ok, a LOT crazy. Some dark and scary thoughts have been creeping in here and there. But one thought that is not so dark, and is sometimes comforting is: "I could do this for a couple of years. I could be a stay-at-home-mom and be completely comfortable with it. I'd make dinner and cookies and sew and take my girls places and it would be a lot of work but....I could do it."
Then someone refuses to eat an apple or spits up on my new jeans and I want cry all over again because being a grown up is hard and being a Mommy is even harder and why didn't I marry for money instead of love? Boo hoo hooo.
Could you do it? No matter what you do. If you work, could you stay at home for a couple of years to take care of your kids if your budget allowed? If you stay at home, could you go to work on a crappy schedule at a job you're not sure you love anymore to help your family afford private school and some much needed extras?
I don't get many comments, but I sure could use some now.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
What's Ahead for the Tag Team
When the Grinch and I set out to be tag team parents, we did it knowing that we might fail. We might be stretched too thin, miserable, sleepless, hating life, each other and not taking proper care of the Bug. We did it knowing that we might have to go with Plan B. Problem was, there was no Plan B.
We jumped into the tag team parent game without a backup plan. No backup daycare or nanny to call on. No idea of whether we could live on one income. We figured we'd come up with a Plan B if and when we needed it. Luckily, the tag team worked out pretty well.
Until now.
My work schedule has changed by an hour. Just one measly hour, but it's enough to throw our finely tuned schedule into chaos. If I work an hour later, it's an hour later that Grinch will get into work, an hour later that HE has to stay. 1.) the later hours DON'T work for his business and 2.) Grinch's office is in a high crime neighborhood. The later he stays, the more likely it is that something bad could happen to him.
So, the Tag Team parents need to take on another team member. We're looking into hiring a nanny or sitter for three mornings a week. It sounds easy enough, but we're having no luck. We don't even feel that good about it. "Are you comfortable with leaving a three-month-old with a sitter?" asks Grinch. "No, are you?" I say. "No." Then why are we doing it?
Because we want to add on to our house and can't afford to do it on one income. Because we want to buy a second car. Because we want to be able to afford to send both kids to private school, even though we live in a very good public school district. Because we want to be able to take our kids on vacations once or twice a year.
In other words, we're looking to continue this stupid schedule and incur the added expense of a sitter because we're a couple of idiots.
My maternity leave ends in April. That's our deadline. We have to find a sitter by then or...I'm not even sure what happens then. One of us quits our jobs? (We've both said, with varying degrees of conviction, that we're willing to be stay-at-home parents while the other continues working.)
April seems like a long time away. But it's not and we have some serious work to do.
We jumped into the tag team parent game without a backup plan. No backup daycare or nanny to call on. No idea of whether we could live on one income. We figured we'd come up with a Plan B if and when we needed it. Luckily, the tag team worked out pretty well.
Until now.
My work schedule has changed by an hour. Just one measly hour, but it's enough to throw our finely tuned schedule into chaos. If I work an hour later, it's an hour later that Grinch will get into work, an hour later that HE has to stay. 1.) the later hours DON'T work for his business and 2.) Grinch's office is in a high crime neighborhood. The later he stays, the more likely it is that something bad could happen to him.
So, the Tag Team parents need to take on another team member. We're looking into hiring a nanny or sitter for three mornings a week. It sounds easy enough, but we're having no luck. We don't even feel that good about it. "Are you comfortable with leaving a three-month-old with a sitter?" asks Grinch. "No, are you?" I say. "No." Then why are we doing it?
Because we want to add on to our house and can't afford to do it on one income. Because we want to buy a second car. Because we want to be able to afford to send both kids to private school, even though we live in a very good public school district. Because we want to be able to take our kids on vacations once or twice a year.
In other words, we're looking to continue this stupid schedule and incur the added expense of a sitter because we're a couple of idiots.
My maternity leave ends in April. That's our deadline. We have to find a sitter by then or...I'm not even sure what happens then. One of us quits our jobs? (We've both said, with varying degrees of conviction, that we're willing to be stay-at-home parents while the other continues working.)
April seems like a long time away. But it's not and we have some serious work to do.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
I am the vampire that loves sunshine and garlic
So here it is, the reason I work ungodly hours:
Back in 2004, I was happy working 9-to-5, Monday-through-Friday. I enjoyed eight hours of sleep every night, had weekends free to go anywhere and do anything with the Grinch. It was great. Then I found out that I was pregnant with the Bug and we had to come up with a childcare plan.
There were plenty of choices: hire a nanny, find a good daycare, one of us could quit our job and stay home with the bug OR I could go to an overnight shift, Grinch could stay with the Bug in the morning and I could stay home with her all day.
So, here's how it broke down:
NANNY, DAYCARE: Really fucking expensive for a good one. We have a good family income, but we didn't want to spend a lot of it paying a strangers to raise our child. We don't believe in outsourcing parenting. I know that'll make a lot of people man and yes, I fully understand that some people have no choice but to put their kids in daycare (my sisters did it, friends do it. I get it, really.). But we believe that a child's best place, especially for the first year, is at home with a parent. If we could have paid a grandparent to stay with the bug all day we would have done it, but the bug's grandparents are all crazy, so that wasn't really an option.
STAY AT HOME: At the time, becoming a Stay at Home Mom sounded horrible to me. I was a career woman, thank you very much. I'd worked long and hard to get where I was and didn't feel like I could afford to just drop everything and walk away from it to raise a child. People pat you on the back for making a decision like that but I know for a fact that many employers roll their eyes, shake their heads and wonder the hell you're thinking, walking away from the best gig you'll ever have. I wanted to keep working and was afraid of what would happen if I didn't
Grinch works with his Dad and there had been talk about passing on the family business to the Grinch so, at the time, it didn't make sense for him to walk away either. Plus, the Grinch's Dad is a very old school sort of fellow. He believes that women stay at home, knit, cook, clean house, keep their mouths shut and raise children. Explaining a new age career choice like "Stay at home Dad" to him would have been like trying to convert the Pope to Islam. Also, we realized that to live where we live, we NEED two incomes. We love our neighborhood and couldn't imagine moving out to the 'burbs.
So that leaves:
Working Overnights: I'd done it before and didn't mind it too much, really. It screws up your body clock and you're tired almost all the time, but the people on the shift are cool, the work is challenging, and when you're done you have all day to do whatever you want. Plus, I wanted to breastfeed for at least a year and working overnights seemed the best way to accomplish that, since I'd be gone while the bug was asleep and home all day so that she could get her milk straight from the source.
We thought about it, made spreadsheets (my dear orderly German Grinch and his dear spreadsheets), discussed, debated and made our decision. When we told people we were having a baby, that was the first question, "Are you going to stay home/Have you found a daycare/nanny?" We told people about the overnight plan. Jaws fell open. Heads shook in disbelief. Eyes rolled. There were inquiries about our sanity, our finances, our knowledge of infant care. We stuck to our plan and, much to every one's surprise, it's worked for two years.
It works like this: I work 2a-10a and come home around 10:30. Grinch is with the Bug all morning, feeding, changing and partying with her. He goes to work around 11a. At 1:30p, the Bug and I nap for two hours. We eat, play, read and run around until bedtime at (hopefully) 8:30p-9p. I crash until 1:30a then it's up and back at 'em for another day.
That's not to say it's been perfect. In fact, the first six months flat out sucked. Grinch and I fought a lot, I didn't know how to get the Bug on a regular nap schedule so she and I napped in 15 minute increments throughout the day, I got sick a lot, I was exhausted ALL the time, and I rarely got out of the house because I was terrified she would fall asleep in the car and if she was sleeping that was sleep that I was missing.
Slowly, but surely, things got better. The Bug went to one luxurious two-hour nap early on, I found a group of Mom friends to hang with, we found parks and playgrounds just right for us and came up with ways to pass the rainy days, too.
There are days I wish I could change everything: quit my job, stay at home and get eight hours of sleep every blessed night. Or go ahead, throw up my hands, hire a nanny and go back to the 9-to-5 life. But I can't. This whole schedule has been so great for the Bug. She's such a shy, cautious little kid that throwing her into daycare would have rocked her world right to the core. I've learned so much from being home with her and the Grinch's heart has grown 10 sizes since he started taking care of her in the mornings.
We're all better for it. We may be more tired and the Grinch and I don't see each other very much, but we do it knowing that it's best for the kid and that it won't be like this forever. We do it because we believe it's the right thing to do for us. For our family.
Back in 2004, I was happy working 9-to-5, Monday-through-Friday. I enjoyed eight hours of sleep every night, had weekends free to go anywhere and do anything with the Grinch. It was great. Then I found out that I was pregnant with the Bug and we had to come up with a childcare plan.
There were plenty of choices: hire a nanny, find a good daycare, one of us could quit our job and stay home with the bug OR I could go to an overnight shift, Grinch could stay with the Bug in the morning and I could stay home with her all day.
So, here's how it broke down:
NANNY, DAYCARE: Really fucking expensive for a good one. We have a good family income, but we didn't want to spend a lot of it paying a strangers to raise our child. We don't believe in outsourcing parenting. I know that'll make a lot of people man and yes, I fully understand that some people have no choice but to put their kids in daycare (my sisters did it, friends do it. I get it, really.). But we believe that a child's best place, especially for the first year, is at home with a parent. If we could have paid a grandparent to stay with the bug all day we would have done it, but the bug's grandparents are all crazy, so that wasn't really an option.
STAY AT HOME: At the time, becoming a Stay at Home Mom sounded horrible to me. I was a career woman, thank you very much. I'd worked long and hard to get where I was and didn't feel like I could afford to just drop everything and walk away from it to raise a child. People pat you on the back for making a decision like that but I know for a fact that many employers roll their eyes, shake their heads and wonder the hell you're thinking, walking away from the best gig you'll ever have. I wanted to keep working and was afraid of what would happen if I didn't
Grinch works with his Dad and there had been talk about passing on the family business to the Grinch so, at the time, it didn't make sense for him to walk away either. Plus, the Grinch's Dad is a very old school sort of fellow. He believes that women stay at home, knit, cook, clean house, keep their mouths shut and raise children. Explaining a new age career choice like "Stay at home Dad" to him would have been like trying to convert the Pope to Islam. Also, we realized that to live where we live, we NEED two incomes. We love our neighborhood and couldn't imagine moving out to the 'burbs.
So that leaves:
Working Overnights: I'd done it before and didn't mind it too much, really. It screws up your body clock and you're tired almost all the time, but the people on the shift are cool, the work is challenging, and when you're done you have all day to do whatever you want. Plus, I wanted to breastfeed for at least a year and working overnights seemed the best way to accomplish that, since I'd be gone while the bug was asleep and home all day so that she could get her milk straight from the source.
We thought about it, made spreadsheets (my dear orderly German Grinch and his dear spreadsheets), discussed, debated and made our decision. When we told people we were having a baby, that was the first question, "Are you going to stay home/Have you found a daycare/nanny?" We told people about the overnight plan. Jaws fell open. Heads shook in disbelief. Eyes rolled. There were inquiries about our sanity, our finances, our knowledge of infant care. We stuck to our plan and, much to every one's surprise, it's worked for two years.
It works like this: I work 2a-10a and come home around 10:30. Grinch is with the Bug all morning, feeding, changing and partying with her. He goes to work around 11a. At 1:30p, the Bug and I nap for two hours. We eat, play, read and run around until bedtime at (hopefully) 8:30p-9p. I crash until 1:30a then it's up and back at 'em for another day.
That's not to say it's been perfect. In fact, the first six months flat out sucked. Grinch and I fought a lot, I didn't know how to get the Bug on a regular nap schedule so she and I napped in 15 minute increments throughout the day, I got sick a lot, I was exhausted ALL the time, and I rarely got out of the house because I was terrified she would fall asleep in the car and if she was sleeping that was sleep that I was missing.
Slowly, but surely, things got better. The Bug went to one luxurious two-hour nap early on, I found a group of Mom friends to hang with, we found parks and playgrounds just right for us and came up with ways to pass the rainy days, too.
There are days I wish I could change everything: quit my job, stay at home and get eight hours of sleep every blessed night. Or go ahead, throw up my hands, hire a nanny and go back to the 9-to-5 life. But I can't. This whole schedule has been so great for the Bug. She's such a shy, cautious little kid that throwing her into daycare would have rocked her world right to the core. I've learned so much from being home with her and the Grinch's heart has grown 10 sizes since he started taking care of her in the mornings.
We're all better for it. We may be more tired and the Grinch and I don't see each other very much, but we do it knowing that it's best for the kid and that it won't be like this forever. We do it because we believe it's the right thing to do for us. For our family.
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